Most forms of humour involve some kind of incongruence, which is caused when someone experiences conflicting motivations after being presented with disparate ideas. For example, if an audience respects a TV host but then see the host get hit in the face with a cream pie, the audience will laugh because the sight of cream dropping off the host’s face is inconsistent with the respect they have for him or her. However, if the audience doesn’t like the host, they may see him or her with a cream pie in the face and sit there waiting for the punch line.
Likewise, if the male host of a football show walked onto the stage in a pink ballerina outfit, the audience would be in hysterics; however, if a male guest in a pink ballerina outfit walked onto the stage of a talkback show like Ellen to discuss feeling like a woman trapped in a man’s body, the audience would find it no laughing matter.
Because humour usually involves incongruence, it often is associated with challenging taboos, breaking rules or being different so that the incongruence can emerge. Not surprisingly, Australian humour shows the fingerprints of Convicts who lived their lives by challenging taboos, breaking rules and being different. Today, the humour makes some people laugh, but can also put a few noses out of joint.
comforting someone who is dying of cancer, it probably isn't tactful to joke about
how much one is enjoying a mini-series, but such black humour is one of the most
notable aspects of Australian comedy. For example, when a serial
killer kidnapped backpackers and buried their bodies in the Belangalo State
Forest, a hardware shop in Moss Vale (near the forest) began selling
souvenir shovels with the letters 'B.S.F' engraved upon them. Similarly,
when seven bodies where discovered decomposing in barrels of acid in the country
town of Snowtown, the town's stores began selling souvenir coffee mugs
with captions such as "come to Snowtown, you'll have a barrel
of a time." Finally, when
Prime Minister Harold Holt went for a swim at a Portsea beach and was never
seen again, construction
soon began on the Harold Holt Memorial Swimming Pool.
have offered two different explanations for the origins of black
humour. The first is 'incongruity theory.' Incongruence is caused
when someone experiences conflicting motivations after being presented with disparate
ideas. For example, if someone wants to like Australians but also believes one
should respect the dead, they will have conflicting motivations about the Snowtown
souvenir mugs. This attitude incongruence may cause one of the attitudes to 'give'.
For example, they may decide they don't like Australians anymore or decide they
don't care about disrespecting the dead. If attitude change is not a desirable
outcome, the person may just laugh and then move on.
second theory is a 'catharsis release'. Freudian psychologists believe
that humour allows people to release tension associated with difficult experiences.
This helps them address those issues that they can not openly discuss. For example
in the Convict era, Convict etiquette demanded suffering in silence whilst the
law considered complaints as insolence and punished it with flogging. As both
Convict etiquette and the law prevented the Convicts from discussing their emotional
distress, they were forced to make jokes to deal with their emotional turmoil.
The same kind of needs are still expressed today. When Australian
comic Bill Leak found out that his mate had lost his
right-big toe in an accident, Leak had confused emotions. Although he could have sent flowers and a get well card, instead he sent a thong with big toe attached in the appropriate position and a note:
Honest and keeping it real
Honesty is quite a common feature of Australian humour. In response to stories that distort reality or cloud perceptions, Australians often tell a joke that is funny in its truthfulness. For example, for his Academy Award speech, Paul Hogan cut through the acting of audience to talk about boring speeces that dragged with recommendations to remember the three gs, be gracious, grateful and get off.
The so-glad-he-won-instead-of-me smile was one of Hogan's many jokes that cut through the facade of politness to reveal how people really felt.
In another example, after noting that the media always has the tact to portray a murder victim as quiet and nice, and generally liked by the neighbours, Natalie Tran wished that the media could run an honest story that portrayed the woman as disliked by her neighbours and was generally disliked. In the simulation, the neighbours sunk the boot into the victim with statements like "At the end of the day, I'm nice to people and I'm alive."
Natalie Tran wishes the media story on the murdered neighbour didn't always portray her as quiet and nice.
Natalie wants truth in advertising
The character of Chopper Reid on the Ronnie Burns Half Hour is another one whose humour is derived from honesty. In Chopper’s case, the humour comes from attacks on political correctness that compels people to act in ways that are contrary to how they think of feel. Rather than conform, Chopper is honest enough to state how he thinks and feels. This results in him criticising the art world, lactose intolerant kids and men who go by the name of Stefan.
Not sensitive or compassionate- Chopper Reid tells people to harden the fuck up
Australian humour is often upside
down. The joke almost seems to be that the label is the opposite to what it should
be. For instance, Australians take delight in dubbing a tall man "Shorty", a silent
one "Rowdy" a bald man "Curly", and a redhead is "Blue". A bastard may mean a
good bloke. Likewise, larrikin, wog, and mongrel may all be used as terms of endearment.
Although humour is used
to strengthen friendships, it is also used to demean those who are too serious.
Anyone who promotes a sense of moral decency inevitably invites ridicule.
In 1832, the Governor of Tasmania prepared to deliver a moral speech to
the female Convicts at the Cascade Female Factory. When he approached the
"the three hundred women turned right around and at one
impulse pulled up their clothes showing their naked posteriors which they simultaneously
smacked with their hands making a loud and not very musical noise..... In a rare
moment of collusion with the Convict women, the ladies in the Governor's party
could not control their laughter."
Likewise, in his memoir, Experiences of a Convict, J.F Mortlock described a self-important person getting a response that was equivalent to a pie in the face:
"He declared, confidently, that an immense number of women were dying for his diminutive highness, but became terribly angry, when an ugly, red-nosed publican with a hump-back, pretended to recognize him as an organ grinder strolling about with a monkey."
contemporary times, wowsers are demeaned in the annual Gay and Lesbian Mardi
Gra. Assimilationalist Pauline Hanson and moral crusader Fred Nile
are featured in floats that question their sexuality or mock their overly serious
expressions. As for the crowd, they are continuingly mooned so as to cut down
any onlookers that possess a high command of morality.
lawyer by the name of O'Sullivan even lionised mooning in an attempt to
get his aboriginal client, James Albert Ernest Togo, off the hook for baring
his buttocks at a policeman. O'Sullivan argued that " mooning was accepted
Australian behaviour and should be seen as a national icon." The police
prosecutor, Michael Purcell, asked in response "whether bare buttocks
should replace the emu and kangaroo on Australia's coat of arms."
During the Sydney Olympics, Roy and H.G unveiled
the lewd and rude Fatso the Fat arsed wombat as the mascot of their show,
The Dream. Fatso was posed in a perpetual moon and comic animations depicted
him waddling across the TV screen leaving little nuggets as a reminder of his
An Australian's humour
is often self-depreciating. For example, a cerebral palsy sufferer by the name
of Steady Eddy turned his disability into an asset by making a comic
routine about it. In his quest for love, he recounted that upon seeing a beautiful
girl, he often wished: " if only she had a limp..."
from being directed at oneself, humour may also be directed towards ones racial
group. For example, Australians of Greek extraction occasionally reminisce about
their upbringing; fondly recalling their mothers teaching them how to put on their
underwear - yellow at the front and brown at the back, or how their fathers gave
them gold chains so they would know where to stop shaving.
is also common on a national level. During the opening of the Sydney Olympics,
an obviously drunk Governor General pronounced "Sa-sa-Sydney" and then knocked over the microphone. It was a shameful performance that would
have had most countries scared that they world would think they are being led
by a socially inept buffoon!! Oddly, most Australians just found it funny, and
even speculated that if he got sacked for being pissed on the job, he may have
a career as a rap singer to fall back on.
Steady Eddy - Cerebral palsy comedian
to make a joke at a mate's expense is to signal a sense of comfort in the strength
of the friendship. On the goldfields in the 1850's, to blow up a mate's dunny
was considered hilarious whilst 'mongrel', 'galah' and 'bastard' were terms of
On an international level,
despite being shafted at Gallipoli, Australians probably get on better
with Pomes than any other nationality. At the very least, Poms have helped Australians
out by taking the likes of Our Kylie and Germain Greer off their
hands. Curiously, the level of piss-taking between the two countries is also extremely
high. Poms have been known to define an Australian
as someone "who reads comic books without moving their lips". They have also stated an Australian gentlemen is "someone who offers to
light his girlfriend's farts."
Australian retort is often a little different. Rather than rattle off a one liner, Australians
tend to personalise an English stereotype by applying it directly to the individual
standing in front of them. For example, upon meeting a Pom at Bondi Beach,
an Australian might say he saw him earlier and knew he was English judging by
the way he was trying to surf white-water, by his resemblance to a tomato or the
abundance of flies surrounding him. In a bar, an Australian may welcome an Englishmen
with a handshake and a warm 'g'day mate' only to then introduce him to
other patrons with make a public announcement that there Pom is in the house and
wallets should be kept under guard. In front of his new friend, he may then inform
the barman that he requires another drink as "he is as dry as a pommy
towel" in reference to the aversion Poms have to bathing.
also have a reasonable relationship with the Kiwis and accordingly, have the insults
to boot. They may speculate that there so many Kiwis are living in Sydney so they
can go up Blue Mountains way where the abundance of cliffs has the sheep
backing up harder. They may even speak fondly of Kiwi produce, citing the lamb
is especially tender due to loving New Zealand farmers.
Like the English, the Kiwis like to make jokes about the lack of Australian intelligence. In 2004, it seemed that both the jokes about the Kiwi's love of sheep and Australian's lack of intelligence indeed had an element of truth in them. To compensate it for taking for 52,000 Australian sheep, Australia paid Eritrea, an African country, $A1 million ($NZ1.16 million) in addition with 3000 tonnes of feed. In Kiwi eyes, the deal made Australians look quite stupid, and the Kiwis let their thoughts be known. In Australian eyes; however, the Kiwis were just upset about a potential love boat being sent in the wrong direction, and were letting their emotions be known.
Relations with nations such as America aren't quite as strong and perhaps it is
no co-incidence that such countries are less inclined to either take or give the
piss. For example, simple attempts at hilarity involving George Bush's inability
to eat a pretzel, let alone lead his country, invariably raise the ire of Americans
who rush to their president's defence. Unfortunately, a situation of mirth may
then descend into fisticuffs.
In the colonial era, the
ability to make a policeman laugh may have been the difference between the gallows
and freedom. A notable exponent of such comedy was a convict of African extraction
by the name of Billy Blue. Billy wore a discarded military uniform, a top
hat and and possessed a repertoire of jokes that flowed like fine wine.
So well did he endear himself to the authorities, they 'believed' his claims that
rather they be an alcohol smuggler, he kept finding liquor floating in Sydney
harbour and had been stopped before he had a chance to report it to the authorities.
Daniel Gordon, another convict
of African extraction, faced court expecting to receive a death sentence. When
he appeared in the dock, Daniel was wild and incoherent in a performance that
smacked of a praise-the-lord pastor crossed with a black and white minstrel. Everyone
from other convicts to the court clerk thought he was acting. Fortunately, the
usually sceptical judge deemed him mentally unfit for trial. When his condition
failed to improve, the case was called off. Daniel eventually died 32 years later,
full-figured cricket player Shane Warne was found guilty of using a banned
diuretic, he pleaded that he was just trying to lose weight to look good for the
cameras. He even threw in a few fat jokes, for example that he was tired of being
teased about having "more chins than a Chinese phonebook." Instead
of being given the standard two year suspension, Shane was only banned for one
year. Perhaps this indicates that his jokes were given a bare pass mark.
Paul Hogan - Australian Olympics
many countries, a night with a prostitute is something one would admit to only
if one wanted to associate oneself with an English conservative party politician.
Judith Lucy not only had sex with a prostitute, she subsequently used it
as material for her national show.
of artists from the stage show 'Puppetry of the Penis' have also used humour
to smash the boundaries of civilised conduct. On stage, naked men manipulate
their genitals to resemble hamburgers and atomic mushrooms.
also use lewd comedy to build brand identity and awareness. Entrepreneur Dick
Smith built an Australian image for his brand of matches by christening them
Dick Heads, a word play on the rival redheads brand.
Puppetry of the Penis
The loveable fool is a source
of endless hilarity for Australians. It seems no movie worth its salt lacks a
token village idiot. In The Castle, the hero is an odd fella who looks
at powerlines but doesn't see a cancer threat, rather he sees a sign of human
progress. One of his sons fancies himself as a 'wheeler and dealer' and searches
the Trading Post for acquisitions. One morning he comes across a pair of
jousting sticks. With a facial expression that leaves no doubt he has realised
their potential, he inquires with the old man about making an offer. When his bemused wife points out that he has no need for jousting sticks, his
explanation is that they "couldn't come up very often".
For Australians, it is a very funny scene.
are a cynical bunch. Unfortunately, they are faced with a dilemma as if they express
there criticism they may be called a whingeing pom, an elitist wanker or even
worse, a wowser.
The clever Australians
resolve this quandary by disguising their criticisms as jokes. Tony
Martin expressed his distaste for the commentators of a commercial television
station by saying:
pissing me off at the moment, is it just me or does anyone else hate the cricket
as much as I do? Because I'm sorry, but when I turn on the TV and it's just like
12 blokes in white clothes, standing in a field..like all day and Tony Greg says
"Well it just doesn't get much more exciting that this." I beg to differ,
I'm sorry, I just do..Max Walker was hosting the AFL last year and somebody said
to him, "Grand final Max, what d'ya reckon?" "Well I tell ya what,
Grand final, it's a pretty big day for football." Well thanks for that Max.
Cheque's in the mail. Very nicely done."
criminal Chopper Reid put in his two cents on police brutality:
tough approach at least produced tougher crooks, not like today. When the police
questioned via the use of fist, boot and baton it produced a tough, hard breed
of stand up criminal".
Australian animal jokes
Australia is a land full of strange things animals that many people around the world have difficulty believing are true. For example, for most people around the world, it is bizarre to think an animal such as a kangaroo could exist. Not other country has animals that have a pouch, give birth to babies less than an inch long and hop around on two legs. Likewise, no other country has animals like the platypus, which lay eggs, suckle young, have a mouth like a duck and fur like a rat. In fact, when a platypus specimen was first sent to England, the English thought Australians had played a joke on them by sewing the mouth of a duck to a rat.
As the world has become accustomed to the unbelievable being possible in Australia, Australians have exploited the world’s belief by arguing that very ridiculous things occur in Australia. Americans have been told than kids ride in the pouch of a kangaroo to school. Europeans have been told that Australia is populated by dropbears, an evil species of territorial kolas that drop from trees to claw and bit at the neck. To ward off the danger, they should wear a bicycle helmet when walking in the bush. Some foreigners have even been fooled into thinking that in Australia there is a Hoop snake that takes its tail in its mouth and then goes bowling merrily along.
Australians often make jokes about the inaccuracy of stereotypes. Many of examples could be seen in the movie Crocodile Dundee. In the movie, wealthy reporter Sue Charlton (Linda Kozlowski) hears about the heroic tale of survival of Mick Dundee (Paul Hogan) and
flies to the outback to verify his story. As they travel to the outback, Mick uses good natured dishonesty to win her charms. Mick secretly uses a razor to shave, but when he hears her coming, he pulls out
a huge knife and pretends to shave with it. He looks at his mate's watch then
pretends he can tell the time by looking at the sky.
One night, the two
are visited by one of Mick's Aboriginal mates, Neville Bell, on his way to a corroboree. Sue
tries to take the man's picture, but Neville says:
can't take my picture"
"You are afraid it will take away your
You got lens cap on."
Neville then wanders off into the bush. Sue asks Mick how his finds his way in the dark.
Mick says: "telepathy." Then there is the sound of the blackfella walking
into a tree, and an anguished cry:
"I hate the bush."
underlying message behind the jokes is that stereotypes of Australians are not always
accurate, but that Australians like to have fun with them anyway.
Crocodile Dundee - Making humour out of inaccurate stereotypes
Questions to think about
Why is it funny?
Although analysing a good joke can also destroy its comic value, it can also result in a deeper reflection about something that really is quite intelligent. In some ways, laughter helps avoid inconsistencies that at times are deserving of our attention. For example, art critic Robert Hughes once said, “We want to create a sort of linguistic Lourdes, where evil and misfortune are dispelled by a dip in the waters of euphemism” The type of euphemism that he may have been referring to was "Gorton's flu", which was in reference to a hangover. The joke originated because the prime minister of Australia, John Gorton, was a noted drunk. Making a joke out of something which perhaps shouldn't have been joked about had a way of helping people avoid dealing with a problem.
guide to Australian Culture
bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
its the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no
Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
If the guy next to you is swearing
like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or, just conceivably, a wharfie.
On the beach, all Australians hide
their keys and wallet by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever
worked this out. We might have very stupid thieves. Or really stinky sandshoes.
design knows of no article more useful than the milk crate.
All our best heroes are losers.
The alpha male in any group is he
who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning
not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear,
as in America, but a fine example of footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black
rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
It is proper to refer to your best
friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a
bit of a bastard".
believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh
conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code
of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, we may all just be really
hopeless with names.
wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to neighbourhood
it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
The most popular and widely praised
family in any street is the one that just happens to have the swimming pool.
The phrase "we've got a great
lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
The poisoning of Phar Lap remains
the purest example of what happens when Australians attempt to take on the outside
to a party, you should take cheap red wine, but then spend all night drinking
the host's beer. Don't worry, he'll have catered for it.
If there's any sort of free event
or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
When tipping in a restaurant, we add
10 per cent, and then round down to the nearest large-denomination note. Yet,
miraculously, we still believe we've tipped 10 per cent.
The phrase "a simple picnic"
is not known. Or at least not acted upon. You should take everything. If you don't
need to make three trips back to the car, you are not trying.
Unless ethnic, you are not permitted
to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening
or fence-leaning is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
Out in the
bush, the tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
A flash sportscar driven by a middle-aged
man does not incite envy as in America, but hilarity.
picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle problem
that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
When on a country holiday, the motel
neon advertising the pool will always be slightly larger than the actual pool.
The men are
tough, but the women are tougher.
chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.
a time in every Australian's life when one realises that the Aeroguard is far,
far worse than the flies.
finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one says "cobber".
on Australian comedy
is an essential part of the Australian personality. Their humour is often aimed
at themselves or their country, and is often self-deprecating."
you are teased, you are expected to reply in kind, with good humor. Such self-confidence
will increase an Australian's respect for you. They do not admire a subservient
sometimes find it too camp and crude but the part of it which most appeals to
me is the ever present sense of irony, stoicism and dark moods underlying it -
Australians like to joke about tragedies as a way of coping with them in a way
that, for instance, the more sentimental Americans would find rather inappropriate"
culture feels as grotesque as The Day of the Locust. Theres no sense of
a high culture anywhere, and extreme characters abound. TV ads are often leeringly
sexual ("These are the only balls youll see at our health club,"
says an ad for a womens workout center, focusing on some tennis balls)"
Phillip Weis -American journalist
political candidate who declared God was on his side would be laughed off the
podium as an idiot or a wowser (prude, intrusive bluenose)." Robert
more than anything Australians enjoy baiting foreigners. It is their way of making
you feel at home."
Jokes about Australians and Australian jokes
"We'll never get rid of the sheep jokes, any more than we will get rid of the Kiwi jokes about IQ levels in Australia," Laurie Oakes - political editor for the Nine network
Jokes about the differences between Aussies, Brits, Americans and Candadians
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians, ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.
Joke about an Australian's intelligence
1) I am often assailed by Orstralians for being a pommie b...d whereupon I inform that I am a naturalised Ossie, lift my fringe to reveal the lobotomy scar.
2) An Australian is someone who moves comic books without moving his lips
3) If it takes an IQ of 60 to tie shoelaces, why do so many Australians wear thongs?
4) An Englishman wants to marry an Irish girl and is told he needs to become irish before he can do so. It is a very simple operation where they remove 5% of your brain.
Anyway the englishman wakes up after the operation and the doctor comes up to him looking all worried and say "I am terribly sorry, theres been a mistake to be sure, we accidently removed 50% of your brain instead of 5%!"
The englishman sits up and simply say "She'll be right, mate"
5) An Aussie pirate walks into a bar with a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch.
The Barman says 'Sheesh - How'd you lose the leg'
The Pirate says 'Arrrrr - A shark took it off at the knee'
The Barman says 'Thats no good, what about the hand?'
The Piarate says 'Arrrrg - Lost it in a bloody bar brawl'
The Barman says 'Jeez - Well what about the eye then?'
The Pirate says 'Thats easy a seagul crapped in it'
The Barman says 'What?!?!'
The Pirate says 'Arrrrrrr...I'd only had the hook one day...'
Jokes about an Australian's masculinity
1) The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky...
Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.
A night of tall tales begins....
Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un.
Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today".
Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
2) Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."
PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"
Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Brutain?..."
PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"
Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"
PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."
Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"
Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.
Three days later a plane arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.
A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one.........
MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM
Joke about life in the Australian country
1) A burnt out advertising executive decides he has had enough of the rat race & buys a property way out west. No electricity, no phones - no company.
He has read everything he can &, after a few weeks is getting a bit bored. One afternoon he seens the dust coming up way in the distance coming towards him, a while later a crusty old bushie gets out of a battered holden ute and puts out his hand.
"Hello mate, I'm your closest neighbour, live about 20 miles up the road, thought we'd chuck ya a bash to welcome you to the area"
"Sounds great" says the ad-man.
"I hear you city boys like your drugs and drink so we'll get that in for ya."
"Sounds awesome" says the ad-man
"we tend to get a bit punchie and horny 'round here after all those drugs & drink though, can ya handle yerself if a blue kicks off or a bit of sex is on the cards?"
"I go alright" say the ad-man
"this all sounds great, what time should I come and what should I wear?"
"Doesn't really mattter" says the bushie "it is only going to be you and me".......
Australian bar joke
An Englishman, an Irishman and an Australian walk into a bar.
The barman says, "Is this some kind of bloody joke?"
Joke about Australian culture
1) While waiting to finalise their Australian residental status, two Afghanistani men start chatting. As they part, they agree to meet in a years time and see who has adapted better to the Australian way of life.
True to their word, they meet after the year is up. The first says to the second "We have integrated so well...yesterday, I ate a meat pie and drank a VB while watching my son play Aussie rules"
The second man replies "F**k off, towelhead"
2) What is the difference between yogurt and Australia?
Yogurt has some culture
Joke about bogans
Q: How do you know if you're a bogan?
A: You let your 15 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table
...in front of her kids.
Joke about Australian men
An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, "Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me"
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce" she says.
"Then, came home, couldn't get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm."
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
"The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bushfire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce,"
"Now here I am, in excruiating pain, about to die, useless and you're still with me."
"You're bloody bad luck"
Joke about Australian sexual practices
1) Why wasn't Jesus born in Sydney?
They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin.
2) What's an Australians idea of foreplay?
3) What's a Tasmanians idea of foreplay?
You awake, mum?
4) What is the Australian animal that most resembles the Australian male? The wombat, because he eats, roots, and leaves.
5) Why do so many Australian men suffer premature ejaculation? Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened!
6) What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? An Australian man will actually search for a golf ball.
Joke about Australian history
A pom, fresh off the plane at Sydney airport, is trying to negotiate Australian customs. Finally, when it's his turn to get his passport stamped, the customs officer starts rattling off the usual questions:
C.O. - How long do you intend to stay?
POM - 1 week.
C.O. - What is the nature of this trip?
POM - Business.
C.O. - Do you have any past criminal convictions?
POM - I didn't think we still needed to!
Joke about Australian love of beer
After their boat sinks, two aussies are left floating around in their lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can't quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub.
SHAZAM.....out pops a genie!
"For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish."
The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, "I wish the whole ocean was beer!"
The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there's a blinding light and the genie is gone. The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of "water".
"You're not gonna believe this mate, but it's really beer!"
His mate screws up his face and says "That's just bloody brilliant mate! Now we’are going to have to piss in the boat!!”
Jokes about Australian superiority
1) New Zealanders love their rowing. Primarily because they sit down and go backwards.
2) A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best. The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's ass with your flag!
3) An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you," said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".
Joke about Australians and their mates
1) Sheila didn't come home one night. When Bruce asked her where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girl friend's house. Bruce was a bit suspicious she'd been rooting around so rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her.
Next week Bruce didn't come home one night. Sheila asks him where the hell he'd been. Bruce says he got a bit drunk at a mate's place and thought it was safer not to drive and crash out there. Sheila thinks he's been rooting around so rings his ten best mates. Eight of them say he spent the night there and two claim he's still there.
2) An Ukrainian migrant to Australia wanted to become a cabbie so he had to go for an eye test for his drivers licence. He was shown a card with the text CWNSCZYZQOCTAZS. He looked at it with wide open eyes, looking very surprised. The examiner said impatiently; well? And the Ukrainer answered; I know that bloke...
3) Two blokes bump into each other in the supermarket. Sorry mate, says the first one, I am a bit nervous, I lost my wife, can't find her anywhere. Second bloke replies; gee, I can't find mine either, how about we go and look for them together? Sure, says the first one, what does you wife look like? Eh well, she's blonde, long hair, tall slim body, well tanned, large breasts and she's wearing a tight fitting low cut black dress. What does your wife look like? Forget about my wife, says the other bloke, let's go and look for yours!
Joke about Australian tactfullness
1) Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says,"Someone should go and tell his wife." Macca says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB. Simmo says,"Where did you get that, Macca?"
"Chook's missus gave it to me." "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?" Macca says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Chook`s widow."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a slab"
Joke about Australian yobbo
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
Jokes about Australian gentleman
1)Sheila was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them was washing her private area, and noticed that there was a response on the monitor,when she touched her. They went to her husband Bruce and explained what happened, telling him,"Crazy as this sounds maybe a little oral sex, will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
Bruce was skeptical, but they assured him, that they'd close the curtains for privacy. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" Bruce replied, "I guess she choked."
2) An Australian gentleman should always offer to light his girlfriend’s farts before lighting his own.
3) When fishing, an Australian gentleman should always offer to bait his lady’s hook before baiting his own.
Joke about Australian women
1) Bruce was dying. Sheila sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " she replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I've rooted your sister, your best mate, her best mate, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison do its work."
2) In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the second Day.
On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.
On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.
On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good. well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody great!
IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!
3) A bloke escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young Australian couple in bed. He orders the bloke out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.
While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped inmate, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years... I saw how he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!"
""Shouting", or rather its meaning, is peculiarly Australian. The shortest and most comprehensive definition of "shouting" is to pay for the drink drunk by others." Drinking
"Australia has been hailed as a saviour of our soi-disant movie industry. So it could be, irrespective of its box office earnings, if it leads to recognition that we don't have a film industry, despite expenditure over 20 years of $1.5billion in subsidies and perhaps another half billion in tax concessions." Movies
are very difficult to impress; even if you do manage to impress them, they may
not openly admit it." Social Rules
"a confused mix of landscape, animals, and Aboriginal culture, with a kind of Bible overtone." Painting
determined soul will do more with a rusty monkey wrench than a loafer will accomplish
with all the tools in a machine shop" Wisdom
"Gallipoli tends to seem strange to outsiders, as it appears to be a celebration of Australia's greatest defeat, but in essence it is rather a commemoration of those who died serving Australia in battle, be it warranted or not." Anzac
“We must be the only country in the world that marks its national day not by celebrating its identity, but by questioning it.” Australia Day
declared, confidently, that an immense number of women were dying for his diminutive
highness, but became terribly angry, when an ugly, red-nosed publican with a hump-back,
pretended to recognize him as an organ grinder strolling about with a monkey." Egalitarianism
"Yet there are some like
me turn gladly home
From the lush jungle of modern thought, to find
The Arabian desert of the human mind,
Hoping, if still from the deserts the
prophets come" Poetry